sick for home

every morning here is hard. i wake up and feel sick to see i am still here in pozuelo. i want to sleep all day, to sleep until september 12th, but i can't. so i don't know what to do with myself and i just want to cry.

why is this getting harder? this was supposed to get easier as time went on. it probably doesn't help that my wallet was stolen on sunday night so i have this feeling that now i've permanantly lost part of my life to this summer and i hate it. hopefully my bank card and credit card will be here by the end of the week, but waiting is hard and i won't have proper identification (save passport, which i'd prefer not to take out of my closet in case it gets stolen) until i can get home and sort it out at the DMV.

this summer just sucks. i keep saying that and then feeling guilty because not all of it is miserable. but the miserable experiences far out number the good ones. i miss my home so much i can't think straight, see straight, talk straight. my stomach is always tied up in knots. sometimes i can't hold tears back and other times i wish i could cry because maybe then i would feel better. i know i could probably ask miryam to use her phone to call my parents some afternoon, but i'm afraid hearing their voices would just make me more sad. i got to call them on sunday when my wallet was stolen and could barely keep it together; wanting so badly just to talk but having instead to try to remember everything that was in my wallet that needed to be cancelled or replaced.

not to mention, my sim card info for my phone was in my wallet. so unless i get a new sim card i can't put anymore money on the phone which means i can't call anyone from it. luckily all my friends are back in the states, so it's not like i'll really have anyone to call. and i can still recieve calls on it. so it will really be just for getting in touch with jose or miryam if i need to.

today is officially five weeks until i get to go home. which means tomorrow i've officially been here for eight. which means i'm in the home stretch. and yet five weeks is a really long time. i keep thinking of it in chunks: one more week here before javea, two and some weeks in Javea, and then a little under two weeks back here after javea.

but still, this is really hard, you know?