Counting Days

I know it's been awhile, but there are reasons. I was in Javea until Sunday night and have been/am still too exhausted/sweaty/frustrated to write about nothing or something.

Basically, I hate my job and have given up on ever liking these people. Last Thursday night Miryam and Jose had a "talk" with me about my "performance." They basically said they wanted me to do more with the kids, like take them to movies and play with them at the club. I said "well, I can't take them to the movies because you live in the middle of fucking nowhere." Or something to that end. And then I tried desperately to explain to them that I am not going to be their soccer/tennis/padel playmate. I'm not athletic. I'm happy to take them to the club so they can play there with each other, but I am not running after them 24/7. In the end, I think these people are idiots. When I said, you know, I've been asking all year, "what do you want me to do while I'm here" they said, "yes, we like that you ask such good questions." Well, that's great, but maybe you should FUCKING ANSWER THEM. I don't ask questions just to hear the sound of my own voice. Jesus.

Anyway, there are more details to that conversation that account for my constant frustration, but I'm too bored with it to write it again in here when I've already vented about it in my real journal. Suffice to say I think these people are idiots but am holding my tongue and doing my best to accomodate them until I can go back home in September. I'd quit, but I'm already halfway through this and it costs money to change my flight and I haven't been reimbursed for the original flights yet to begin with.

So that's that. I'm not sure what else to say now. It's hot and this stupid family doesn't have air conditioning, so I haven't slept in a few nights. Not even a fan. I think I'm going to by a small one for myself the next time I am in the city, if I can. Because this is fucking ridiculous.

It's a 100 degrees and all I want to do is sleep.

WHAT THE FUCK???

this is very annoying. the kind of annoying that gets ones stomach into knots because there is nothing one can do about it. the kind of annoying that makes you want to throw punches and scream and kick and cry because this is the kind of annoying that JUST ISN'T FAIR.

jose kept saying, again and again, that the family (and myself, naturally) would be going to Javea in the LAST WEEK of july. this is important because i really have only one person whom i can hang out with in this country, and she leaves in the beginning of august. so to have one finaly jaunt in the city, to bars, to clubs, to the park, is practically completely necessary for my survival.

[yes, i am being a bit melodramatic here. but my current angst calls for melodrama. if you don't like it, stop reading here.]

so tonight i find out that the family actually intends to leave THIS saturday. i will have you know that THIS saturday is absolutely NOT THE LAST saturday in JULY. In fact, there are a whole TEN DAYS left to july after this saturday.

you're thinking, so what, your plans are thrown off a bit? whatever, right? WRONG. so we go to javea THIS saturday, for TWO WEEKS and by the time we get back it's days into august and the one person who i get to hang out with on the weekends is GONE. and the following six weeks left in this country are even harder, more boring, lonely, than the first six.

get it?

i am FURIOUS. i am so mad i just can't get enough caps in this damn post. and there's no one to complain to and nothing i can do about it.

but i am FUMING, just so you know.

twilight zone?

this blog is driving me crazy. i keep trying to post and my posts keep disappearing. i'll be amazed if this one makes it.

position

things are not well here in monteclaro.

it's cinthya's birthday today. she was really upset and sad and missing her family all day. there's not much i can do for her, but i went to mercadona and got some dessert and some party umbrella things (the ones in cocktails) and stuck them in the top of the pudding and came back here and sang her "happy birthday." she gave me a big hug and we sat and ate our pudding and talked for an hour or so, and she seemed a little happier.

but of course, nothing good lasts.

so miryam comes home and doesn't even say happy birthday but does say that cinthya will only be getting one week off for vacation this year. cinthya is good at holding it all in, but as soon as miryam and the family had gone off "on a walk" she came outside and told me what happened and i could tell she was near tears. it was awful. she's so homesick and so lonely and so stuck here. at least i get to go home in two months. but cinthya's got no working papers and no hope of saving enough money to get back to bolivia and support her family.

as for miryam and jose, sometimes they are just stereotypical shady white people. it makes me sick. i hate to see middle class families, who even have "help" in the first place, abuse the very people they rely on the make their lives work. if it weren't for cinthya, these people wouldn't have more than cheese and crackers for dinner every night. they wouldn't have a well kept house. they wouldn't be able to keep themselves clothed and fed, frankly.

so it's just plain awful to see cinthya so upset when she deserves so much better. she's the one who makes the wheels turn in this house, but she's the most underappreciated member of the household. i wish i could do something about it all, or at least better communicate how much i appreciate her, but my spanish is still pretty bad so all i can do is listen and shake my head and hope that she understands that i'm on her side. that i appreciate her and would not be able to make it through this summer without her.

gosh, now i feel like crying.

i just wish so much that there was something i could do.

orgazma

I am officially in love with !!! and it's lead singer, Nic Offer. The man exudes sex. I'm not sure how else to explain it. He's not you're typical gorgeous hunk of man meat, but seeing him perform live was practically a sexual act in itself. AMAZING.

I saw !!! at summercase, of course. But being tired and sad that it was all over delayed the overall reaction, which is "whoaaaa." I mean ALL the bands were amazing, some more than others, but mostly each one (that I saw) was great in its own way. But right now I just can't wait to see !!! live again, whenever that may be. I need to find more people who think they are amazing so I we can go and dance and love love love them together.

Well, now that that's out of the way.

What, you want I should cry?

I'm a little less bitter tonight. Perhaps it is because I had two real meals today. And because I am more caught up on sleep. And because I had a nice long talk with Cinthya this morning and a nice little chat with Jose and Miryam this evening. And because I'm going to get my period in the morning and everything is always better after the pms has passed.

Now, that is not to say that I don't hate the suburbs anymore. Because boy, do I ever. Even the supermarket, Mercadona, was closed for some stupid reason today, so there was really NOTHING to do. I even walked all the way over there to stare blankly at the darkened aisles before remembering that I'd seen the signs last week and meant to remind myself.

Dickweed.

But anyway. I'm going to get through this week, and the next, and the next. I just get so so so frustrated sometimes, you know? You know.

I wrote a long and winding email to mom and dad today, and then had back and forth email with dad for a bit this evening. I really do love him more from a distance. I can appreciate him a lot more from across the atlantic.

I gave in and downloaded Jarvis Cocker too. It won't be long before I download more Flaming Lips, !!!, and whatever else I can't live any longer without. I also finished Prodigal Summer, which is like 'best book ever' material. Now I'm on to Bonfire of the Vanities. Good thing I made it to the bookstore on Saturday. I'm afraid I should stock up still more next weekend.

Anyway, I guess there's nothing more to be said. I've been feeling profound and deep for moments at a time, but clearly this is not one of those moments. Now I'm just tired.

What else is new?

On Empty

I feel like crying and screaming at once and I'm not altogether sure why. I do think it has something to do with eexhaustion though at this point I have slept enough today that I should no longer be exhausted. Which leaves me what? Where?

Summercase was wonderful and fun and so full of great music I can't even complain about passing out during Jarvis Cocker or missing Arcade Fire when Lauren got sick because sitting down in the microclimate (god I love that term) with water and random Spanish folk made every minute worth it.

[Methinks, perhaps, there is some sadness/depression/inescapable fear because the event highlight of my summer is now come and gone.]

I am hungry. Several media noches from Rodilla and an empanada from Moncloa would do the trick, but I am too lazy/tired/late to go into Madrid for mere sandwiches and come back again. Yet another reason why the suburbs are subpar. If only there were someplace to get a damned bocadillo in this all too American landscape of highway and backyard houses on a Sunday afternoon (evening now?).

I am peeling, too. Ashes to ashes; I cannot seem to apply enough lotion to keep my body from flaking apart.

Which brings me to the tears and screams. I miss my bed, my room, my family, my language, and my proximity to city streets and busy stores more than I can handle right now. It is not the same homesickness that I felt for the first couple weeks here. No, I just wish I could have a break from it all. A week at home. Or for this summer to be over with the promise of a return to Spain and job and friends here in the coming year.

But that is far from likely. Which means I need to suck it up and try to love every minute I have here in this country, even if I am stuck here in no man's land.

What a couple of days.

A Note on Horchata

Horchata. Not Mexican rice milk. In fact, drink made from chufas, in valencia. I am certain.

So there is this delicious thing that I've had here in Madrid a couple of times and it is called horchata. And everytime I tried to ask somebody what it really is, they can't explain it properly. Mostly because there is no such thing in the U.S. Or, what there is, is stolen from Spain and it's former colonies. So I googled the damn thing and found out what it really is, and what it's latin offspring are as well.

Apparently horchata is made from chufa. Yes, chufa. It's sort of a nut and it is grown primarily in Valencia, but also in Egypt, from what I can gather. So you mush up the chufa with water and some sugar and maybe some cinnamon and voila, you have horchata.

But in Mexico and other Latin American countries Horchata is also a name for a sort of sweet rice milk. Which I've never had but can only imagine is quite tasty.

In the end, what I really want right now, is some really good rice pudding. Yes, rice pudding. Not horchata (delicious as it may be). But oh, some warm, homemade, rice pudding would be spectacular.

Damn, I wish I had American Beauty on my computer too.

SPEC TAC U LAR...

If I'd wanted to go to Westchester, I'd have hopped on MetroNorth

Let's see...

I want to kill the 5 year old. Jose is getting better and better, but Alvaro just makes me want him to disappear. He doesn't listen to anybody, and just likes to argue, and not even really argue, he just says no to absolutely everything. He doesn't respond to being yelled at, punnished, reasoned with, talked to, slapped upside the head...nada. Just the look of the dirty little brat makes me want to kick his ass.

And don't give me that shit about "oh, he's only 5." You try dealing with him for three months and tell me how you feel about him.

Zaragoza was fine, certainly an experience. It was good to see another part of Spain, but in the end we spent all our time in the suburban gated shit, and the kids ran wild. It's a good thing I know more of Spain than this suburban crap, because it would not be a worthwhile country if suburbs were all there was.

But anyway, after three torturous hours in the car with the demons trying to get back to Pozuelo, it's amazing one of them hasn't been strangled.

Not to mention, now the baby is getting on everyone's nerves because she cries everytime she's not with Cinthya, Miryam or Jose. Methinks she is not a traveller, this baby. How the hell we're ever going to get through Javea is beyond me. I prefer not think about it lest I implode.

Friday is Summercase. Thank God.

Americana

There are fireworks outside my window! From mercadona? No se. But I'm smiling.

4th of July: better late than never, eh?

demonitos

Number 1 reason why light switches should be inside the same room as the light: So that little demon children cannot turn the lights off from outside a closed door while one is in the middle of shaving ones legs.

Demons, I tell you.

But anyway. I don't think I am going to make it into Madrid this week, as I have not yet and tomorrow we leave for Zaragosa for three days. But I really NEED to go into Madrid to get more books in English (I am officially on my last one), to put more money on my phone (don't want to run out of minutes during summercase), and to get a new 10 ride bus ticket (way cheaper and easier than paying a euro fifty in change everytime I take the bus). Also, I would like to have a day to go shopping. Just for fun. A little stress relief, if you will.

Other than deciding that Europeans are backward for having light switches on the wrong side of the wall, I suppose everything is all right. We had fish for dinner tonight, the kind with the head and bones and skin and everything, which I must say is not my favorite. But it's not bad once you get over the grossness of it. Actually, I am learning to like fish quite a bit here.

They eat a lot of it.

Bed time?

Expletive

There is no doubt that by the time I go to sleep tonight I will have eaten two boxes of estrella cookies. Which is just wrong. I suppose I eat them because they are delicious, but methinks it is also out of boredom and frustration as well. So after these ones are gone, there will be no buying more. Not for a while anyway.

What can I say? It's boring as all hell here in Pozuelo. The kids haven't bathed in over a week, which just absolutely disgusts me. The parents don't seem to care at all. And I can barely get the brats to change out of their pyjamas in the morning, so I don't dare try to fight them into the goddamn bathtub. I don't understand people who think swimming in a chlorinated pool is enough. Unless there is a bar of soap involved, and it is worked into a lather and smeared all over ones body, it does not count as bathing.

So that's irritating. And this morning the brats took almost two hours to do their work. And it wasn't because they had a whole lot of work to do either. The both of them just like to stare off into space too much. So tomorrow, there is going to be a ton of work to do. I don't care if it takes Jose five fucking hours: he needs to learn to focus.

Oh I just get so frustrated thinking about those demons! So enough of that. It's already nearing the end of Wednesday, thank god. I would love to be able to go into the city this weekend, at least for one day (and one night?), but cannot of course. Because this weekend we are ALL going to Zaragosa on Friday and not coming back until late Sunday. I don't really know what to expect, but I'm thinking more than anything that I am going to be bored out of my mind. My guess is that they are going to be visiting old friends and such (they used to live there) and I am just going to be dragged along. Which is silly, in my opinion. Why not just give me the damn weekend off and I will be able to come and go to Madrid as I please and relax and have a good time. And I hope I'm not stuck babysitting the brats all night Friday and Saturday either. If I am, there better be a television. Or else I may just implode.

I need to go and do something fun, goddammit! I'm going crazy here in Pozuelo! I love Madrid, and wish I could at least go to Barcelona and Sevilla, and nice places, but no. No. I am stuck here all the goddamn time. I will be so mad at the end of this trip when I have not made it to Barcelona.

Oh, I am just getting so angry now!

I need to go and read or something to get my mind off all this shit.

gorda y cansada

Man am I tired these days! I didn't wake up until ten this morning, and it was hard as hell even at that hour. Then, this afternoon, I slept off and on from 2:30 until almost five. Both times I had the weirdest dreams. Dreams when you think you are awake and are sorely dissapointed to find you are not. Those dreams are annoying, dammit.

Other than being ridiculously tired for no real good reason (yesterday sure, but today?), today was pretty good. Simple. I had to go to the centro commercial to pick up a book that Jose needs to have done by the end of the summer. It's in Spanish, but he had to catch up from last week, so I had him work on that for an hour or so, and then did just a little bit in English. Alvaro was enthusiastic about the idea of getting to work like Jose, but was more than a little difficult in action. Still, not bad in the end. And mealtimes are getting better. Less disgusting and frustrating as hell.

So like I've predicted for myself all along, every day gets better. I mean, there are ups and downs, but over all there's been a steady incline. I'm feeling more and more comfortable here and learning to assert my independence a little bit, so things are coming along.

I've got to stop buying these little estrella cookies though. They are so damn tasty but when I have them I eat them like they are going out of style. I've eaten like four or five packs today. And each pack has six little cookies in it. So it's like eating ten or so oreos. Which means there's no way I can lose weight. So yeah. But once these boxes are gone, then I'm okay. It's just when I have them...

Man, I love me some cookies.

Guess there's not much more to today than that.

(mellow) Amarillo

Three more hours and then I get to sleep. I think.

Spent last night in Madrid.

Afternoon in Retiro, where the hippies are. It was faaabulous. Drum circles, dreads, good looking boys all over the place. Also, lot's of Americans! Surprise. Ate jamon bocadillo, empanada (had tomatoes and peppers and stuff and was most delicious in the world), and palomira con chocolate. And a beer. Life was good.

Fell asleep on Lauren's floor after snacking at canas y tapas and smoking morroccan hash. Woke up at six in the am and took first bus back to suburban hell. Which is less hellish when you're still mellowed out from the night before. I need to get out more.

I've been sneaking off for power siestas all day, but still cannot wait until that blessed time when I am bathed and pyjamaed myself, and ready for sleep.

Two weeks until Summercase!